Arrival

If you’re reading this, I feel close to you.

That’s my guess at least. I’m glad you’re here. I’ve wanted to find a place to share, to create, and to exist without confining borders. I have found myself, breathing through this moment, believing that the only way to find this place is to start looking. I don’t believe that you would or would not know that about me in particular. At this point, I don’t think I have any other option than to share.

I have never felt comfortable being vulnerable. And yes, that makes me so special.

I’ve been going to therapy for over six years, cumulatively. Most sessions are a grueling fight to figure out why I so often sabotage myself and drive myself farthest away from the things that bring me joy. I question myself, get frustrated with the answer, and then continue doing it anyway.

I don’t trust myself.

I’ve always loved writing, and for reasons sans-my awareness (most likely under the umbrella of self-sabotage), I have not pursued writing. I wrote a book when I was 11. It was about a super cool girl, finding the boy of her dreams, taking on some kind of challenge. I don’t remember specifically. Specifics don’t matter. That was incredible.

Somewhere along the way, possibly coinciding with the start of Instagram, while beginning Middle School or High School, I fell out of love with writing. But more acutely, I fell out of love with sharing. I don’t know how many stories I’ll actually want to tell about my experiences growing up, but they taught me that it was SCARY AS ALL HELL to put yourself out there.

I didn’t think about writing for a while. Not until recently.

I went to college for art, started working at galleries, and am in the middle of a career… “crossroads.” I don’t think I’ve ever known exactly what I’d like to do, and, at 26, I’m only at the tip-of-the-iceberg beginning to make peace with that now. Part of this journey, to figure myself out and to stop self-sabotaging, is bringing joy back into my life. I’m actively trying to do fun things. I know. Crazy.

I got a Yoga Teacher Training Certificate to try to make money (hah!) and have now just continued teaching because I love it. I started taking pottery classes and bought a wheel for my backyard so that I can do my thing from the comfort of my home. I take daily walks with my dogs. All great. All have shown me that presence, daily bliss, and lower stress levels are indeed necessary and totally possible. I didn’t know that before I started trying to bring that into my life.

This blog is another fun thing that I am now going to actively try to do. I don’t know what I’m going to write about, really. Sacred Ruminations is the title because 1. all I do is ruminate, and 2. I’m most definitely sacred. If you want to read, I hope that you find a piece of my heart while you do. I want to share my shit. I want to feel less afraid of sharing. And I want to stop getting in my own way.

I like to write. So I’m going to write.