Ring, Ring
I have a deep desire to be called to something.
By this, I mean, I would like to sense my innate wisdom (my gut) pulling me towards a vocation. I want to feel intrinsically destined to walk on a specific path. I want to deeply know what it feels like to belong in a room, space, or situation. This longing can’t be inherently special to me, and I know that it is not. At the same time, I can’t imagine being sure of anything I’m doing in any degree.
Already, I have lived several different lives. My current schedule feels full enough for at least three separate humans. “This one thing more will make me feel full,” I tell myself whenever I want to add another hobby to my plate. Every time I begin another job search, I think of how much better my life will be when I make it through to the other side. What I neglect to tell myself, and what I think I was so conveniently not taught, is that living in the future only sustains you for a short while, and only if your future is definite. The entire basis of my existence has relied on the fact that tomorrow - next week, next year, or future me will, definitely, absolutely, have figured everything out and will be okay. Never, have I thought, of what I am doing, being, and feeling now as satisfying.
I think this is depression. I think this is anxiety. I think this is being taught your whole life that you’re supposed to make something of yourself, and never understanding the pressure of that until it is time to present what you’ve created. I’m good at projects. I’m good at making other people happy. But I’m bad at the project of becoming something that makes other people happy. Not in the sense of my work, but the human I am transforming into.
And already I am questioning why I want to be called. Am I innately drawn to find my purpose? Or, perhaps, am I already living it, and just questioning what I am doing because it does not line up with outside expectations? Do I need to be “something”? Or does my wholeness, and purpose, appear in every layer of my experience? Is the whole point of me wanting a calling part of a project to show other people that I have created myself?
What would I make of myself if I were the one to choose?