How I know that I’m the Main Character
I recently bought those trendy earplugs that are advertised to the older Zoomers with questionable neurodivergent self-diagnosis. They block out just the right amount of sound for any situation you may be in. I’m not sure if I care if the chicken came before the egg in this case, because I genuinely never noticed how much the noises of the outside world - the whistling, rumbling, humming, buzzing, and purring of life - distract my focus and ignite my anxiety. Now, I have a sense of control as I walk down a city street or hear the neighbors mowing their grass (lawnmowers are my true nemesis). I can use my earplugs and go back into my head where it is safe and quiet.
With my armor on (or in), the rhythm of everyday life continues as it always did. This time, my heart beats slightly slower. I remember to breathe in tune with each car that passes. I’ll exhale as I glide past conversations reflecting on nights out with cheap friends. I am steady. A bird might chirp now, but I’ll only see it cross my path as it dives for leftover fries that “missed” the trash can. Maybe I would normally hear the flap of its wings, but I don’t feel remorse for that being left out of my journey.
Before these earplugs, I had headphones. I like music in specific contexts. I don’t typically listen to it every day. I have a playlist of songs that I enjoy. This gets rotated automatically based on the algorithm. I don’t mind. It helps me funnel my song choice for my yoga classes or karaoke in the car during my long drives. When I am not controlling the volume, or I find myself in the mood for a tune, I’ll use my earbuds for a public commute. This will create a whole different kind of whistling, rumbling, humming, buzzing, and purring that is significantly more tolerable.
First, I’m setting the soundtrack to the movie in which I am the main character. Am I in a silly, goofy mood? Check- Harry Styles’ Music For a Sushi Restaurant. Am I melancholy and want everyone to know it as I stare out the train window, rain trickling down in front of my face - Thumbs by Lucy Dacus. Even on my most powerful, sexy days, I’ll put on Leon Bridges and Rainbow Kitten Surprise to match my energy. My surroundings are intentionally transformed for me. And, of course, I’m the only one aware of them.
Then, the other noises fill in the background. The engine, tracks, whistle, and rumble of the train itself will make an appearance. Also, the various conversations, laughter, and sometimes crying of my fellow passengers - all side characters. Footsteps, breathing, coughing, and other anatomical happenings are usually loud enough that they are a layer of sound all on their own. They remind me that my movie is mundane, maybe it’s a coming-of-age story.
I’m not ready to give up my main character movie fantasy, not yet. At the same time, it’s nice to know the world’s noises can be further blurred, and my consciousness can have even more choice of what will be permitted inside. My character development has only just begun.