Sleeping Ugly
Someone asked me once if I am an “early bird” or a “night owl.” I responded that I am neither and like to fall asleep early and sleep in. In practice, I am always tired, making it hard to be anything.
I’ve recently tried to figure out what is so wrong with my sleep habits. After contemplating how I cannot remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed, combined with my husband’s complaints about my snoring, I sought professional advice. I’m currently being tested for sleep apnea, and definitively have insomnia.
I grew up thinking I couldn’t claim that I had insomnia, because I do get to sleep. I love to sleep, even. It’s one of my favorite activities. And at the same time, I don’t think I’ve ever known how to do it. I normally spend hours, lying awake in bed trying to drift my consciousness away. I wake up several times every single night, for seemingly no reason at all. I may be horizontal for 8+ hours every evening, but whatever is happening between my covers leaves me feeling like a sack of potatoes in the morning. It turns out that sleep is supposed to help get rid of that tired feeling, and I’ve just been barely living for so many years.
I started implementing “sleep hygiene” not too long ago. This means, to get good sleep, I have to not do everything I have currently built my nighttime routine around. My mind-numbing Bob’s Burgers and YouTube videos are supposedly not good for your sleep cycle. You cannot be in your bed unless you are going to sleep. I have no idea how to do any of this. But I have been trying. I got a bean bag chair and watch my stupid content from there until I cannot lift my head up, then I crawl to my bed. I am angry to report that this works.
I am naturally getting up earlier since trying to add better practices into my day. Sometimes before sunrise depending on what time of the year it is. I enjoy having an hour or so of stillness in the house. I get to pretend that I am truly alone, drink my coffee, and start my morning with relative peace. Our dogs, Dillan and Dunkin, like to take their morning walk first thing when they wake up. For the first time in my adult life, I had started my mornings with exercise without first chugging a cup of coffee to wane off absolute foggy delusion.
Similar to my home when I wake up, the world is still in the early morning. Right now, in almost-summer, the air is cool and the ground is damp. There’s no need to adjust your eyes since the sun has barely peaked its face over the trees. A warm, orange glow tints the sidewalk. I don’t need to worry about where the dogs walk because nobody is driving yet. The deer are still sleeping on our neighbor’s front lawn. Our energy feels like the first to pass through the neighborhood.
Until I can figure out how to wake up most mornings feeling refreshed, I don’t know if I’ll be able to answer the question of “early bird” or “night owl.” I connect with the anonymity of both times of the day. At night, lights are turned off in retreat. The vast feeling of loneliness is easy to creep in as it seems like you may have been left behind. Forgotten, as loved ones take to their rooms and turn off. And within loneliness, there’s a freedom to explore forgotten places of your mind and heart. I suppose anyone’s specific relationship with this depends on how they arrived at this lost place. Depending on how your day has progressed, maybe this is good or bad.
Waking up before anyone else feels like an active choice or longing for solitude. To know that you will not have another soul to perform for until you have already had a few hours to organize your thoughts that you left off with the day before. Mornings stir anticipation and kinetic energy. Before the work and school rush, you can seize vibrations that bring you a charge. This is all to be true if you can wake up. In practice, when I set my alarm to be met with stillness, my typical response is to know that I can probably exist immediately in the flow of rush. I do not need to disturb my slumber.
Ideally, I would be an “early bird.” And still, this becomes lumped into the category of things that I am still learning about myself. I did not expect sleep to be a challenge or a bodily requirement that does not come easy. The more that I know about the world that we live in, I am not surprised that I have trouble listening to myself, especially when I am tired.